Those Darn Young Republicans

For Immediate Release: June 6, 2012
Contact: Dane County Young Republicans (608) 305-GOP1; Jeff Waksman jeff@danegop.org

Dane County Young Republicans Come Clean On Election Shenanigans
 

Young Professional's Organization Reveals Deep Plants in Progressive Camp 

(Madison, WI) – While the Dane County Young Republicans should be celebrating last night's victory by Scott Walker over Tom Barrett, the DCYR’s are in fact filled with shame. And it is with heavy hearts that we come clean on our outrageous behavior during this election.

You see, the DCYR’s placed moles in key roles within the Democratic Party and Dane County Progressive brain-trust. These moles pretended to be Democrats, Liberals, and Progressives while in fact they were working for us – intentionally making fools of themselves and the Democratic Party in order to make Tom Barrett look bad.

Our most effective mole was Democratic Party of Wisconsin official spokesman Graeme Zielinski, who we had deliver outlandish and often nonsensical attacks against Scott Walker on a daily basis – accusing him of being a pedophile, of being an adulterer, of stealing money from military veterans, et cetera. Every time one of his statements was rated by Politifact he earned a “Pants on Fire” rating, with one being called “a hot mess”. We couldn’t have asked for better work.

Another successful mole was John Nichols of The Capital Times. That publication has long been a strong ally of the Democratic Party, but by ordering Nichols to focus the paper’s efforts on insane conspiracy theories like ALEC, the Koch Brothers and faked moon landings (okay, we made one of those up), and asking him to openly beg for campaign donations for Democrats on Twitter, we successfully turned that “newspaper” into a national laughingstock.

But our most important effort was arranging the protests at the Capitol over the past 20 months. We were shocked that we were able to convince most people that the protests were just a Big Labor astro-turf group. After all, would Big Labor really have been dumb enough to order their followers to smash windows and doors, scream obscenities at legislators during votes, terrorize the children of legislators at home and on Facebook, make the Capitol smell like a Illinois truck stop bathroom, and engage in so much vigorous public masturbation that hotels on Capitol square had to appeal to the city because their customers were afraid to go outside? Come on. You had to know that was us.

In our defense, how else could we have swung the election for Scott Walker? After all, the Democrats had an extremely strong candidate in Tom Barrett, what with his refusal to defend his record as Mayor or to name a single policy he would enact as Governor. Without our discrediting of the DPW, The Capital Times and Big Labor, how could we ever have hoped to win?